Woman abusing man

Yes, I have finally decided to take on this topic. You can’t imagine the flack received by activists and advocates of domestic violence awareness, accusations of hating men or the posts on the internet skewing numbers as to the proportion of women versus men who are abused. Well, I’m sticking with the statistic that seems to be closest to reality—of all victims of domestic and intimate partner violence, 95% are women. But, that leaves 5% of domestic violence victims as men.

First, let’s establish the foremost truth, and that is there is no place for domestic or intimate partner violence—period. It’s a matter of choices and decisions. If you don’t like the person you love, put some distance between you and him or her. I’m not saying jump headlong into divorce court, but simply separate yourselves from the contention, if even for a short while.

Get counseling. Find someone to confide in, someone you can rely on to give you sound wise counsel. It may be a mental health counselor, a pastor or an advocate at an abuse agency. Counseling saved my life, literally!

Now let’s address what starts domestic violence. It is that whole “Power and Control.” Yes, I will probably wear that phrase out here on my blog, but get used to it. That is the basis of domestic violence.

Power and Control Wheel

So, if you are a woman who is abusing a man, ask yourself these questions:

What is your instigation?

Why are you doing it?

Do you feel compelled to be in control and wield power over your partner?

Or perhaps it’s your brother you are abusing, or even your father? Domestic violence is not limited to intimate partner relationships.

Are you abusing your son with words of degradation and humiliation?

I am not alluding to those times when a woman is defending herself from attack, so do not misconstrue the message here. But, if you honestly answer those questions and find yourself on the short end of the stick, if you are abusing a man verbally, emotionally or physically, then stop it! It’s no more right for a woman to assault a man than for a man to assault a woman. No double standards here! We are all part of the same race—the human race—so let’s use more respect and dignity, and less power and control over others. Let’s apply the Golden Rule.

Dear ones, you see, it could so easily be turned around. You have an entire sisterhood out there, and for every man you are abusing, there are more than 9 women receiving the same treatment at the hands of a male counterpart. I just can’t bring myself to believe that is the image you want to bring to womanhood.

  1. I simply must disagree, with respect to your comment. As the writer, I felt it necessary for us to be made more aware of the fact women are not the ONLY ones abused, but facts far outweigh opinions, and as much as I tried to bring forth an important point, the statistics stand proven that 95% of all abuse victims are women being abused by men. Nevertheless, the 5% deserves a voice, as well. That is coming FROM a survivor, multiple times.

    Thanks for sharing your comment. That’s what it’s all about…sharing and getting the word out.

  2. linda l fletcher says:

    Carolyn, it is important to all men and children that you are taking this very important subject under your influence. From my experience it is an extremely disturbed woman who has been a victim of abuse herself. There is a very good book written by Dr. Martha Stout called the sociapath next door. One in 25 people female and male are sociapaths. Dr. Stout teaches at Harvard and spends the rest of her time trying to help these poor souls who have been their victims. Unfortunally, we need to shout to the world these people are out there and need to be recognized. A couple of facts to look for ; A person that always has the pity party. If thet can get you to feel sorry for them,you willdo anything in the world for them. The person who gives his or her partner a hard time in front of others making the other people feel uncomfortable. The person has no friends and if they have one can not sustain for any length of time. Children are their favorites victims because they can blow smoke and children believe them. Some are just Garden Variety Sociapaths who therorise their depressed spouse and children. Then there is the really scarey sociapath who rises to the top in their field. No profession is safe from these people who are never wrong and are excellent liars. They can hurt animals and do not have any feelings. They can cry and fake their feelings. The are Dangerous and do target their victims. My main reason in writting this in responce to your Topic is we need to know about the mental problems that seem to be so prevalent today that is hurting our men,woman and children, The other thing I believe we should get counseling however make sure he or she is not a sociapath.

  3. linda l fletcher says:

    Carolyn, I am not in disagreement about the numbers of woman abused. I am only stating that men good wonderful men have stayed with these tormenters because of their children being afraid that the courts would take their children and give them to their mothers and the children would be hurt because the mother is mental. My main point is we need more education concerning this mental illness called sociapaths. There are many reasons for abuse none of them good. A lot of men will not make this sacriface for their children but they are out there and should not be forgotten.Far be it from me that I am very much aware of women being abused becaused I have also witness this behavior and am an adult child of an abuser. I have had counseling and I reccomened the book Adult children of Abusive Parents by Steven Farmer,M.A.,M.F.C.C/

  4. Linda, I agree. I was married to a sociopath the second time around. I will be working on research for more blogging on this topic. As I see it, even sociopathy boils down to a power and control issue. I’d like to meet and dig into this together.

  5. Max Reichgott says:

    Can you tell me if the stats that you are using are derived from police reports or how are they attained. I have found that most men are reluctant to report that they are being abused either because they are embarrased to admit they are being beaten by a woma or afraid that they wont be taken seriously. I fell into that category. I was a police officer who was being verbally and emotionally abused by my wife who tried to get me to hit on several occasions and when I didnt she lied and said I did, knowing what the implication to my career would be. i know first hand the shame and pain that comes from not only being the victim of her constant assaults but also the stigma of a police officer accused of domestic violence. not only did she ruin a promising career, many people i called friends no longer talk to me.

    • Max,
      Sorry to take so long in getting back to you. I checked w/the Exec Dir of one of the largest non-profit organizations in our area, who is under the umbrella of an international agency,
      and who holds a great amount of respect in the DV arena. None of the stats come from law enforcement reports, and yes, men are quite reluctant to disclose. The stats I share
      are based on clients who come into the agencies, as well as reports that are done on national levels by government agencies. One thing I am looking into and will be blogging
      on in the near future is indeed the potential of how many men ARE abused by women and fail to report, for whatever reason. I’d also like to delve into how many men who DO
      disclose are simply dismissed and not taken seriously? Please continue to communicate and share your input. I hate the outcome of your personal situation, but do want to
      extend my thanks to you for the time you were in law enforcement. Thanks for putting your life on the line to keep me/us safe! Totally ironic…

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