Choosing to change myself attracted who I desired, not what I used to be!



I used to repeat this phrase over and over again to the group I led as a Director of Singles Ministry—Be the kind of person you want to attract. You will attract the kind of person you ARE, not the kind of person you desire.

I also learned a lot about opposites attracting. An overbearing, controlling and manipulative person seems to have radar that will home in on a person with low self-esteem and high insecurities. They become a prey of sorts. It’s a terrible cycle. The insecure person seeks anybody who will give them the attention for which they hunger. Unfortunately, that person is often a controlling, abusive person, and in a perverted manner, the opposites are attracted to each other for all the wrong reasons. It may not show at first, but given time, they will eventually show their true colors. I came to the realization that NO ONE IS BETTER THAN THE WRONG ONE. That became my mantra years ago, and I still share it when counseling individuals about relationships.

If you feel you may have low self-esteem or an inferior concept of yourself (something many of us know about ourselves, but would rather not acknowledge), then make it a point to spend time with positive people who will encourage, support and lift you up. Avoid smooth talkers, those who are full of never-ending promises that are usually not kept, or people who are toxic in your life. If you never establish a relationship with them, you never have to deal with the damage they cause, or the pain of the breakup.

Read self-help books. There are so many authors generating an endless number of books that can help get your feet firmly planted in the proper ground. See a counselor. This is one thing I believe in with all my heart. It was a licensed mental health counselor who actually helped save my life. The most amazing part was how effortless she made it in putting me back together again. Find a counselor you are comfortable with, the one with whom you feel secure sharing your innermost secrets.

It is so easy to continue the cycle of going from one abusive relationship to another. I know – I did it far too many times. But, it IS possible to break that cycle. It’s also possible to avoid getting into that cycle at all. If you have previously been through a tragic relationship that was full of abuse, learn from it and don’t go back. Remember the red flags and warning signs. If you see them appearing in a new interest, avoid that person like the plague. If you have NOT been in an abusive relationship and want to steer clear of ever having to confront such a situation, then go back and read the posts on this blog that tell you the signs of an abusive relationship or personality. I’ve planted many, many seeds here that have produced much fruit. Taste and see!

That is the easiest way you can avoid an abusive relationship.

Don’t get into one to begin with.

Carolyn is an advocate for sexual/domestic violence and assault awareness, also focusing on child sexual abuse. She is a Life Direction & Empowerment Coach, working with victims and survivors of molestation, sexual assault, domestic violence or spousal abuse, and bringing training to organizations seeking to help victims. Hennecy spent much time during October 2011, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, with media doing radio and television interviews. See Carolyn’s interview with Gayle Guyardo of NBC Channel 8 News Today Early Morning Show and her featured segment on the ABC Action News Emmy Award winning “Taking Action Against Domestic Violence” at

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